A Feeling of Betrayal

Here we go folks, another emotional entry. . .

Right now so many mixed emotions are going through my brain I can't keep them all straight. I feel betrayed, I'm wondering if I'm the problem, or is it the other people/person? I feel lonely, but I want to be alone. I want to talk about why I feel betrayed, but it hurts and feels relieving at the same time, so I don't even know how to put it in words. I apologize if I'm all over the place. >_>

I'll get to the point and then if you feel like it's worth reading then continue on. Kami is no longer a friend. I feel she has betrayed me and I don't know if I'm being emotional out of anger, or if I've just come to my senses. If you decide to read on this is basically the story as to why I feel this way.

It seems like I've seen this coming for a while now. Kami just kept pushing and pushing buttons. When those buttons are pushed it pushed me away from her. Eventually I think a rift got between us. She is/was upset with me because she "missed" me. Now, you have to understand, last spring when the weather was getting descent I would go for walks with her and the dogs and we'd play d&d until she decided to tell me a few things. These few things pissed me off, but after a while I forgave her. I won't go into detail about what those few choice words were due to privacy. Kami, I'm sure knew that I was upset and angry with her and rightfully so in my opinion. Ever since then we stopped going for walks and I'm sure she missed me even more. Another thing that started to tic me off was the fact that she would not give my D&D game much of a chance, but she was getting tired of DM-ing.

To make a looooooooong story short in the last game that Kami DM-ed she killed/enslaved everyone in the party because she was tired of "people being late, or never showing up" to D&D. Well thank you Kami for making our characters miserable, thus making the rest of us miserable by making the characters miserable. Now you would think, "Hmm, that doesn't sound like enough to keep Kush away." And you would be right. Like a loyal dog I get kicked, but I keep going back for more, hoping that one day things will change. However, they never do and I have learned a valueable lesson, but lets face it I'm still loyal to a fucking fault and unfortunately always will be.

Let me continue. Earlier this week I asked Kami and Nick how the D&D game went. They both said the same thing, "Slow." Ok. . . well, I was positive and told Nick and Kami, "I'm sure things will pick up." :) I try to find the silver lining you see. Nick told me then that he wasn't sure if he could handle another player. . . I blew it off, not really sure what to make of it. And now I come to the point of the story where I believe I was set up. So I knew that I might not be invited, but I thought maybe Kami did not know this. I've been gaming with her for about 8ish years and I would think over that time we would have created some sort of friendship where we would stand up for one another and include each other in something we've been doing for the last 8 years! ANYWAY, I called Kami to find out what was going on for D&D and the point is she didn't know and wanted me to talk to Nick since he was DM-ing the new game. Yes, I did find this awkward and did not think it was my place to talk to Nick about whether we were having D&D, or not. I was playing WoW talking to Rend about it and I hadn't messaged Nick yet even though I knew he was on WoW as well. He messaged me. Now, you have to understand, Nick never messaged me, EVER! So I was surprised when I got a whisper from him saying, "Yo." We did the small talk, "How are you?" and all that bull shit and I finally asked what was going on for D&D? He said that was a good question. From there he said, "I don't know how to put this nicely, but you are not invited." And that was my set up. Khori wanted me to talk to Nick, I didn't talk to him so he messaged me, I then asked about D&D and was told I wasn't invited. Kami knew all along that I was not invited and didn't have the guts to tell me herself. She isn't afraid to hurt people and I honestly wish she would have done it herself instead of getting some little ass hole to do it for her. So thank you Kami, thank you for standing up for me and I hope you have lots of fun with your new friends because your old one is gone.

I should finish the story, but I had to rant a little. Well, I called Khori and they weren't home. Ok, that's fine. I left a message and waited. Finally I called back at 10:15ish and Kami picked up and this was the basic message, "I told Nick I was sick of DM-ing and told him to plan everything and invite people he wants. I can't make everybody happy. He invited me so I was like, 'Ok.' I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." -_- Once again, thanks Kami. I'm glad our friendship means so much to you. I should say former friendship.

In the workds of T.K., "Have a nice life."

Writing Is Good Sometimes

WARNING! Kush is in a pathetic mood, so maybe it's best not to read the very random ramblings of said person.

This may be hard to believe, but "giggle butt" can actually feel sad. I'm feeling a bit down, but like I always do I get through it. I have a wonderful man, great family and friends, so life is actually going very well. My honey bunny has been especially strong for me. I've just felt so emotionally weak lately. Because of this I think I've been snapping about the dumbest things. Nothing in particular that I wish to type here, but I think I need to wake up in a sense.

Some things I need to rant about is work. Normally everything is ok. It used to be good, but now with the lay offs and such I have to knock it down to "ok." No offense to anyone there, but some of my co-workers have actually been getting on my nerves. I love them all so dearly, but like a family they can aggrivate you. Today for instance we were in a debate about moving in with your significant other before marriage. I personally believe it's a wise decision not to, but everyone seemed to disagree. They all seemed to think I was naive about the whole thing, but I'm not. They also believe I should have sex before I'm married. What's the point in that? I see none. Most people I know wish they hadn't slept around. Besides, from what I understand, people who wait are happier with their partner and I think that is a wonderful thing. ^_^

The other thing I need to mention is that I miss my honey bunny so much and I know he is being very strong for both of us. *bows* I commend you my dear, you deserve a medal for dealing with my pathetic self. I don't think you see it that way, but I really do want to thank you for being there when I'm "disappointed" about silly things. *huggle* I love you so much!

:P It's kind of funny really, but typing really has helped me feel better. I guess. . . I should type more. A long time ago when things bothered me I would write in my notebook. After I wrote down all of my issues at that time I would throw it away. It was actually very soothing and it honestly worked very well.

Since this post has been all sad and mopey here is some good news. I get to see my hon next Thurs. and I'm super excited to see him. We are going to watch BlizzCon together on the compy. Yeah, it might cost $40 to see it, but snuggling up and watching compy game stuff is going to kick so much ass!

Also I'm going to the ren fest again this year! Woot! And B needs to be thanked since he got Rendi and I tickets! My honey has a great best friend. Thanks B!

See, I guess my post ended on a good note at least. :P